Transient Dreams

[Quote] “Do you sometimes not know exactly what you’re saying until after you’ve said it?” ~Angel Ariel, Through a Glass, Darkly, Jostein Gaarder

Argh. Now I feel stupid. I guess I never really understood what researchers meant about the cognitive processes involved in language. Everything we do involves cognition. They say it’s impossible to say something out loud without thinking about it first. I took it literally.

Maybe we get too absorbed with the higher processes of learning and comprehension that we overlook simple details, solutions, and explanations.

So… maybe before you say something, you do think about it but your brain fails to fully comprehend it. Voicing out your thoughts helps because you’re using your senses. [Maybe it has something to do with the ears being the last organ to go as you get older...] Then your brain processes the information again and after that, your thoughts become clearer.

And maybe when someone comes across like he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, he just hasn’t processed his thoughts sufficiently.

Haha. I spent most of my Psychological Testing class thinking about this…

[Random] Just another day… Hehe. I keep remembering what Jazel said, “Here’s to teenage romance and never knowing why it hurts like hell!“

Because I’m bored:

1. Do you believe in soulmates?
– Hmm… sometimes.

2. Why is it hard to let go of someone you love?
– Because you still believe that no matter how bad things had been, he loved you too… and that no matter how much you’re hurting, you’d take him back in a heartbeat because you couldn’t possibly hurt more than you already do without him. You’d even settle to be “friends” even though you really don’t want to because you figure that it’s probably the only way you can hold on… You keep trying because you don’t lose hope…

3. Why do women cry after a break-up?
– Heck, you’re grieving. What else are you going to do? Have you ever hurt so much that sometimes it feels like physical pain?

4. Who will you choose: the man/woman who is the center of your world or the one who will give the world to you?
– Don’t you wish you could find both in one guy?

5. Are you good in hiding your emotions?
– Yes. That’s why the people who can actually claim to know me say I always seem detached. Like no matter how engaged I am in a conversation, they still feel like I’m hiding something, or holding something back.

6. Why do we need to love?
– Yeah, why do we need to love? I dunno. I guess… There are so many evils in the world but we can still say that “love can conquer all.” Maybe… love keeps us sane…? Or maybe all it does is keep us human…

7. Being single or being taken?
– Have you noticed how some people can never be satisfied? When they’re single, they want to be ‘taken,’ and when they are, they want to get out. What the hell?!

8. What’s so nice with being single?
– You have no one to answer to… except maybe your parents.

9. Ever cried in front of a bf/gf?
– Yeah…

10. Most painful thing said by a love one?
– You deserve someone better. I mean, really? Who wants to hear that? Especially when you want to say, “Hey, I chose you. doesn’t that mean anything? Like maybe, I think you are ‘better,’ better than anyone else I’ve met.”

11. Most painful thing did by a loved one?
– Hmm… Letting me believe that he really wanted to work things out? And then he was the first one to give up?

12. How do you cope with a breakup?
– Keep myself busy. Stay away from guys – let’s face it, platonic relationships are just not possible in this day and age.

13. Describe love in one word?
– Magical (like Shari said!)

14. What’s your ideal date?
– Hmm… spending a lazy day together…

15. How do you spend a day with a loved one?
– Do what makes us both happy!

16. Can lovers be friends?
– Something I learned from social psych: an ideal lover is someone who will always be your friend. But yeah, I’m digressing.

17. Is love lovelier the 2nd time?
– You can never love a person the same way you loved before… You’re the only one who can tell the difference.

18. Are you the type of person who expects too much from someone?
– Maybe my problem is that I don’t expect enough!

19. What things/qualities that deceive you the most?
– If I could tell, do you think I’d still be as gullible as I probably still am? But maybe, I just don’t learn…

20. Do you believe that 1st love never dies?
– Once you love someone, you never really stop… Maybe you don’t even get over them, you simply learn to live without them…

[Quote] “Eventually all the pieces will fall into place but until then you gotta laugh at the confusion, live for the moment and know that everything happens for a reason…“

[Life] I succeeded in becoming a little tougher. My friends say I’m still too nice but at least I don’t let others walk all over me like some people I know do. I’ve learned my lesson. Being too generous does not pay! You’re always on the losing end (unless you’re a philanthropist who doesn’t care).

I was running out of laughter… but spending time with my brother has really helped. He always says: “It’s a tragedy, but it’s not a great loss…” I’ve even started to like traffic jams – that’s when we have really good conversations. In some ways, he’s becoming my mentor. But old habits die hard. I still think of the things I used to think about when I wake up, coupled with all my recent memories.

Sometimes they still ask me how I can say I’m happy to be on my own again, to be alone again… I don’t know. I guess I’m running out of tears, too. I refused to see what was inevitable and then it all caught up with me in the span of a week. I should’ve known it when I started to miss him before he was even gone. Maybe in a different time and place, I would’ve said the things I needed and wanted to say. I wouldn’t have minded getting hurt again… I just needed to hear a concrete reason. Indifference hurts more than the truth.

I really should learn to take my own advice…

[Archery] I’ll be taking archery classes at the UP-PSC Archery Range this summer! My dad might buy a Bowman compound bow. We’re waiting for the next Matthews shipment (which should arrive tomorrow – Monday). I think he’s getting me the Matthews Genesis. Yay!

[Random] I really need to get my hair trimmed. It’s becoming hard to manage. My brother keeps telling me not to cut it, he says long hair suits me (but it’s getting too long, in my opinion). Maybe he just says that because he knows it’s my only vanity. LOL. Maybe I should try chin-length again. Just kidding! They say short hair makes me look like a kid. :blank: My dad introduced me to one of his friends yesterday and he thought I was just a high school student! I’m graduating next year! *crosses fingers*

[Quote] “I was clearly guilty of only being able to see the good you did for me…” ~Guilty, Julia Fordham

[Archery] I’m getting a new bow on Saturday! Hehe. And my dad’s going to start training with me. I think he’s gotten a bit tired of shooting but then… he’s getting a new rifle. Hmm…

[College] 5 terms left!

[Life] We’re planning a trip to Singapore or Bangkok for the third week of April. Mom (my maternal grandmother) might come home to the Philippines for my 18th birthday. Uncle Dad (my mom’s uncle) will be transferred to CGH later.

And I’m going to spend the rest of my afternoon thinking (like I’ve done every single day for the past six months).

[Shoutouts] Chris! LOL. I missed ya! Sarah dear, I sent an email to your Hotmail account. :D

[Midheaven] Midheaven.net is back online. I’m sorry for not leaving a note. I’ve been really… preoccupied. Don’t expect any updates (save for this blog), at least until April.

[Life] I don’t know where to start. I’ve had to deal with one horrible thing after another. I don’t know how I can be so cold about hurting someone I used to love. It’s not that I don’t care about him anymore… I just can’t return his feelings. I thought I could. I mean, I did love him. I still do, I suppose. But you know what? The tears come easier now. Maybe that means I’m becoming normal. Whenever my best friend asks about him, I just shrug. What am I supposed to say? My family still gives me grief about him but at least they don’t mention him as much anymore. *sigh… Maybe I’m the one with the problem.

My mom’s only (maternal) uncle was admitted to the hospital yesterday. I cried again. He couldn’t remember me… He used to take care of me when I was a toddler. He held my hand before my mom and I left… he seemed to recall who I was then. It was heartbreaking… I really hope he gets better.

*sigh. I have to take meds again. My blood pressure dropped. I’m always pale and weak.

[College] Hmm… All I can say is that I really miss Beh.

[Shoutouts] Jess and Boris, thank you.

[Quote] “Love never feels the way that it should…” ~Never Be The Same, Christopher Cross