“When you were around I had a sense of security in feeling that I could just pick up the telephone and talk with you. I know now that I miss you as one who has lost his sight will always miss the light. So I now feel this overwhelming sense of loss.” ~Luis Asperri, My Brother, My Executioner by F. Sionil José

I had a wonderful week with Jim. I am trying my best not to be sad.

After we dropped him off at the airport yesterday, I tried not to think about him and took a nap in the car. When we got home, I went straight to my room and wrote him an email. I missed him so much. I didn’t want to stay home so I went to church with my mom and my brother then to Shangri-La. I sat in the car, thinking about how just a few hours ago, he was right there beside me, holding my hand. When we got to Shang, I thought I saw a glimpse of him..crazy, right? I almost laughed. We met up with my sister then ate McDonald’s on the way home. Gaaah… I missed him even more. I would give anything just to be near him again.

Today was the first day I woke up knowing that I wouldn’t be able to see him, talk to him, touch him…at least not for a few months. I miss his smile, his voice, his laugh… I miss looking into his eyes… He makes me feel so at peace. I can’t remember feeling so happy…

I am hoping that the next months will fly by… I can’t wait to see him again.

*sigh…

I finally completed the 101 Things About Me challenge!

Yesterday was one of those days when I wonder why anyone would want to have kids (don’t get me wrong, please refer to #67 on my 101 Things list).¹

I went to visit my cousin Benette at the hospital with my mom and my seven-year-old cousin Chestnut (Benette’s sister). On the way there, my mom told us that we’d be stopping by McDonald’s because Bennyppe wanted chicken nuggets. She asked Chestnut what she wanted. Oh, and of course she decided to be a brat again! My mom always tells us that me and my siblings were never like that — see, we had loving grandparents but they NEVER tolerated bratty behavior. Si Chestnut, walang pinipiling oras o lugar! (rough English translation: “Chestnut doesn’t pick a proper time or place! / Chestnut’s impolite to EVERYONE when she feels like it!”).

When we got home, I was incredibly tired. I literally couldn’t open my eyes — I was that sleepy. And it was only half past seven. I was looking forward to being able to sleep through the night (something I haven’t been able to do for the past year). Of course I couldn’t go to bed yet because I promised Chestnut that I’d let her play on my laptop for a while. We had an agreement that she’d stop playing the minute I told her it was time for bed — and she did! But the minute she laid her head on the pillow, she started sobbing. She kept me up half the night! She wouldn’t even tell me what was wrong! I was sorely tempted to just turn my back on her and cover my ears but I love kids and can’t stand seeing them cry. I just kept on hugging her and patting her back. She got all sweaty so I got up and tried to find her another shirt — she didn’t bring that many clothes when she decided to sleep over a few days ago so I had to find one of mine that was small enough so it wouldn’t fall off. I couldn’t find one in my closest so I started to make for the door to go up to the attic because I remembered my other cousin left some clothes here when she spent her vacation with us. Right when I was about to open the door, she spoke up and told me that she was crying because she couldn’t find her favorite game. Of course I knew she was just being manipulative. I have been around kids all my life — with personal experience, the things I’ve learned from Developmental Psychology and Child Psychology, and the fact that I was their age once upon a time, I know how their minds work. Let me tell you, SHE IS THE BIGGEST BRAT I HAVE EVER KNOWN!

I honestly don’t mean to disparage my aunt and uncle’s parenting skills — hey, we’re talking about my favorite uncle here! I, for one, think that my uncle is the best dad ever. He was one of the people who took care of me while I was growing up and I know I turned out okay.

Please take note that I said, “manipulative brat.” This does not apply to ALL kids. Most kids can be reasoned with and would actually be willing to cooperate as long as you remain kind and gentle.

• Recognize manipulative behavior.
  It might be a good idea to look at yourself first. Is there anything you resort to doing just to get what you want? Kids usually resort to crying when they can’t get what they want (and adults have been known to do it too) — that’s the number one manipulative behavior.
• Do not underestimate them.
  You’ve seen how fast kids grow up these days. You’ve noticed how they already know things we had no idea of when we were at that age. So don’t ever underestimate the workings of their minds. You think they don’t understand but oh, they do! They know how to pull your strings and get you to do what they want, especially when they know you love them.
• Do not overestimate them either.
  As much as kids are able to understand these days, you have to spell out exactly what they did wrong. Tell them that their actions have consequences. Tell them that they hurt you when they act bratty — if you have set a good example and have shown them the value of non-material things such as love, they would go out of their way to please you.
• Show them who’s boss!
  If they start crying, let them! Do NOT let them get their way. They are just trying to manipulate you to get what they want. You have to set rules and boundaries or they WILL just find new ways to torture you.
• Employ diversionary tactics.
  Yes, kids can be successful at manipulation but adults can be even better, simply because they know more. Kids have low attention spans, that’s a fact. So find something else to keep them busy and slyly get yourself out of an undesirable situation.
• If all else fails, compromise.
  You will live to fight for another day!

But whatever you do, don’t ever resort to physical punishment. Children thrive in loving environments. Most of the time, they are just calling for attention. The best way to prevent a child from becoming a brat is to spend quality time with them.

And brattishness aside, I really do love Chestnut.

You know, even though I know all these things, it doesn’t make me any less afraid of having kids. I often ask my mom what her secret is, how she raised me and my siblings to become good people. I wonder if I would be able to do the same.

I started writing this last night but I was so sleepy… I have some time now so I thought I’d go ahead and finish it.

The past two weeks have been really hard. So much drama. LOL. I have all these things going on with my family, friends, classmates - even pets!¹ Everyday something OR someone else adds up. It would be too depressing to blog about them all. I feel so emotionally- (and mentally-) drained.

My sister has threatened to tie me up if I don’t go back to my usual nice-though-sometimes-grumpy disposition so… In an effort to set aside these things that have been rankling me for days, I’ll blog about something that is, according to Tony Perez, “the frontier that Psychology will never conquer” (from An Author’s Notebook) — and to think that in my days as a Psychology major, we had sessions (lectures, discussions, forums, seminars, etc.) on love and relationships that went on for weeks at a time.

My sister and I have this thing… We ask each other every once in a while about the things we like and dislike about each other. I can always count on her to give me an honest answer because she knows that although I may not like her sometimes, she’d still be my favorite sister at the end of the day.² On my end, well, everyone close to me knows that I can be brutally honest.

“All too often, people have the wrong notions of what will make themselves lovable.” — I couldn’t agree more.