I started writing this last night but I was so sleepy… I have some time now so I thought I’d go ahead and finish it.

The past two weeks have been really hard. So much drama. LOL. I have all these things going on with my family, friends, classmates - even pets!¹ Everyday something OR someone else adds up. It would be too depressing to blog about them all. I feel so emotionally- (and mentally-) drained.

My sister has threatened to tie me up if I don’t go back to my usual nice-though-sometimes-grumpy disposition so… In an effort to set aside these things that have been rankling me for days, I’ll blog about something that is, according to Tony Perez, “the frontier that Psychology will never conquer” (from An Author’s Notebook) — and to think that in my days as a Psychology major, we had sessions (lectures, discussions, forums, seminars, etc.) on love and relationships that went on for weeks at a time.

My sister and I have this thing… We ask each other every once in a while about the things we like and dislike about each other. I can always count on her to give me an honest answer because she knows that although I may not like her sometimes, she’d still be my favorite sister at the end of the day.² On my end, well, everyone close to me knows that I can be brutally honest.

“All too often, people have the wrong notions of what will make themselves lovable.” — I couldn’t agree more.

Honestly, I often wonder what people find so nice and sweet about me. I don’t mean to self-deprecate — God knows I did enough of that in high school. It’s just that sometimes, it truly boggles my mind. That’s why I need reaffirmation every now and then.

“It embarrasses me when someone who does not know me, loves me.“

I asked my sister earlier, “Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?” and she replied, “I am afraid to tell you who I am, because, if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and it’s all that I have.” — it’s a Psych thing. We got it from a booklet by John Powell, S.J. that was first published in 1969. It’s fun having a sister who studied Psychology too. We love talking about human behavior.

“Sometimes you have to put walls up… Not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.“

I have never let myself be truly vulnerable with anyone so I don’t believe that any of the people in my past ever really knew me. Which leads me to the purpose of this blog. I started blogging because I had too much free time on my hands. Eventually, I started writing about stuff that went on offline and how I felt about things at the moment they happened… But now, I usually write about realizations and reflections — I find it easier to write about something when it’s part of the past.

“You are in danger of loving a person whenever you witness that person with their defenses down.“

I thought about it. I remember a very, very good friend telling me about how he’d been browsing through my websites and he said, “I found that I can’t stay in it for soo long because I feel so much reverence just by reading through it. It is overwhelming for me to stay so close…it’s just too much to take in at a single moment.”

I know most of you who read my blog these days don’t really know me except for my real life friends (like Jazel), Sarah, Marine (who has sadly been MIA for a while now), and Simply Precious… But this blog has been a very big part of me for the past five years. I’ve shared more here than I have with anyone offline, except for M-Rize.

Okay, I’ll have to continue this some other time. I’m starting to lose focus.

BTW, I’m finally taking my meds again. Really, I am. When I woke up last Thursday, I was really dizzy. In a few minutes, my whole body was drenched in sweat and I was seeing black dots (or were they white?!) in front of my eyes. I’d forgotten about this part — I went to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face and bumped into our ‘housekeeper’ — she told me this afternoon that when she turned and looked at me then, I was so pale that my lips were almost white! She said she didn’t tell me because if she had, I might have panicked and it wouldn’t have done either of us any good. Oh, I must have looked scary. I felt so sick. I knew no one would’ve been able to do anything so I stumbled back to my room, changed my clothes and willed myself to sleep. I woke up about an hour later and I felt a bit better. The same thing happened to me twice last year. I hate being sick.

And I hate it even more when someone I love is sick. I need to visit my Bennyppe in the hospital… She’s been looking for me. I would really appreciate it if you would include her in your prayers.